Monday, July 31, 2006

Christian Love for FSM

Remember all the commotion awhile back about the Flying Spaghetti Monster? All of us atheists had a good laugh. But the Christians didn't. In fact, from the looks of the hatemail section of the FSM site, there are still plenty of Christians to this day who are discovering the Flying Spaghetti Monster for the first time and promptly firing off emails that so wonderfully encompass the loving nature of the Christian.

Let's peruse some of the FSM's more recent Christian hatemails lovemails!

This first one was sent today. It's great to finally see a Christian who is honest enough to proclaim the moral justice (according to their Holy Book) of eternally torturing your own creation in the hottest Hell imaginable merely for their mocking of you by imagining a spaghetti God. I wonder if this Christian parent would be consistent and throw their "small babies" in an oven when, inevitably, said Christian parent was actually mocked by his/her children?

If I was your creator and you mocked me in this manner I couldn't think of a hell hot enough for you. It is really sad to think that at Judgement you will be standing in front of God Almighty and he will look at you and say "Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, I never knew you" And to think, God let you be born, blessed you with health and love in your life and with what do you honor Him? With such vile mockeries of his Deity. I am sick to my stomach that my small babies will live in such a disgusting generation where God is no longer the source of strength and power.

The next Christian hatemailer has a grasp of logic that rivals even Paul Manata's. I sure hope I never have to debate this guy! He might get me to re-convert to Christianity:

I find your site degrading and offensive. God does not allow for the type of logical fallicies you promote on your site. For instance, why would a perfect, infanate being have to rest for three days after creation? The bible clearly establishes a maximum one to six day resting ratio for the creation of the universe by an infante being. Ok, I'll be sympathetic to your tortured logic and explain how mankind knows that the bible is the word of god. 1. the bible is infallible.

The next Christian, after "proving" the truth of the Bible with impeccable intellectual prowess, declares Bobby (creator of FSM) to be a tool of Satan, expresses a wish for Bobby to burn forever in a lake of fire, and then signs off with the line "With Love". How deliciously 1984-ish. Well maybe this is one Christian that really does love his enemies:

You are the biggest hypocrite I have ever been exposed to; throughout your page you repeatedly assert that evolution is the only "scientific" explanation of the origin of species, yet right on your front page you say that such absurd theories as the "Flying Spaghetti Monster" should also be incorporated into public high school science curriculum. So let me explain this to you nice and slow; the Bible is the answer, it is what is to be differed to at all times; the Bible is 100% true- it says so in the Bible... I noticed some of you other readers correctly pointed out, if you question things your are a tool of Satan. You don't need to question, God does all the thinking for us; he actually has a degree in Philosophy. Abortion is wrong, it says so in the bible, I dare you to go look it up- you probably won't find it, but that's just because your gay, which is also wrong- it says so in the Bible. Now some of us will be wondering the justification for that moral assertion, but remember the Bible is flawless- it says so in the Bible...

...As a Christian, I follow Jesus for his teachings of love and tolerance; it is people like you who make me sick, I hope you die in a lake of fire and get your eyes pecked out by crows, so that you may go to hell and exist for eternity in a lake of fire getting your eyes pecked out by crows.

With love,


Next comes the best one. A Christian whose email address includes the phrase "jesusmarine" sends 8 or so hatemails with threats to sue and such. But the first email that "jesusmarine" sends is the best. This guy spreads Christian love so effectively that he's just got to be a member of Force Ministries. I mean, what better way is there to impart faith in Christ than in full combat gear while wielding an AR-15 with an attached night scope?

I do believe you are a fucking retard and I hope you burn in hell. Fuck you and the flying spaghetti monster...

You obviously think life is just a big damn joke. Its all for humor and entertainment. I look forward to the day it fucks you right in the ass. Lets try this...I'm going to go very sloooooowly for you Bobby. Retarded Bobby Henderson....will burn in hell unless you give your life to Jesus Christ.

Did I mention that this guy is part of the "don't ask, don't tell" United States Military program? Apparently he loves to fantasize about atheists and Pastafarians getting fucked in the ass.

But JesusMarine isn't the only Christian hatemailer who is obsessed with assplay. A Christian named Seth makes a few statements that expose a bit too much about the way his mind works:

when god asks you "Why should I let you into Heaven?" what are you going to say? "let me in because i mocked you my entire pathetic life, said there was a god better than you, made of spaghetti and meatballs. let me in." right. thats the point you go to hell. you are a stupid little guy with no girlfriend, so you're depressed. writing about your fake, gay loving man whore god. to get attention. all its gonna get you is a foot so far up your a** your gonna have ingrown toenails growin out your ears. you need to stop this stuff. all you're doing is getting yourself closer and closer and closer. to hell. not heaven. not paradise. not getting laid. not having children. not having a penis. nothing. shut the heck up already. no one likes you..except your gay friends who believe all this stupid crap. and whoever they are.. i hope they use protection with eachother, along with you. tonight. oh by the way. i am having spaghetti and meatballs tonight u little prick. i think i will just throw it in the trash cause thats where it belongs. along with your fake whack religion and fake god. so have a nice day, and hope u have fun gettin raped by your spaghetti and meatball, FAKE god.

Sincerely, Seth

Another Christian gets straight into necrophilic fantasies. Maybe this Christian got his ideas from thinking too hard about a 3-day decomposed body reanimating?

people like you are scum, I hope you die by the hands of some sick perverted guy who will skullfuck you and then use your skin to make lampshades.

The next guy is so full of drugs and hate that all he wants to do is snort lines off of dead bodies and watch everyone on the planet except for him burn in Hell forever. I wonder if this Christian frequents the Rapture Ready forums?

your a fuckin faggot and burn in hell. if i knew you personally id slit your throat and watch you suffer as i laugh and do a fat cocaine like off of your dead body. I would then light you on fire, light my cigerette off of the ashes, smoke weed with the fire and piss on the ashes. then i would take your ashes roll them into a blunt and smoke them. i hope you fuckin burn in hell along with everyother piece of shit on this planet.

Another Christian seems to think that mocking someone is worse than eternal suffering. If God is indeed kinder to Bobby than Bobby is being to God, then would that mean that God merely mocks Bobby just a little bit for his blasphemy and unbelief and then lets him into heaven?

Hopefully God will be more merciful to you than you are to Him.

The next Christian is actually frightened by Bobby's lack of fear. Yes, that's right. If there's anything that scares me in this life, it's a lack of fear! George Orwell would have a field day with this doubleplusgood nonsense:

I believe that the most frightening situation a human being can be in is to lose the fear of their Creator, fear that brings about wisdom, understanding, honor, humility, service to their family, church and neighbors. It is a fear that seeks to give their creator all of the glory, fear that acts as a boundary trying, lovingly, to prevent us from venturing into self destructive sin and choosing evil, fear that allows us to leave if we wish but desperately desires that we return if only we would so choose. It is a fear that starts with an abhorence of our disrespect, rejection of our pride, but ends in the safety and security and peace that lies deep within, and far from, the threshold and conviction we know as the emotion called "fear."

Christianity certainly has a lot of love for its enemies. That Christian love is expressed through anal rape, fear as a virtue, necrophilia, death threats, and promises of eternal damnation.

To see older FSM hatemail from loving Christians, click here.


Anonymous said...

Hmm, the third comment you listed (Charlie) seems like it could have been an intentional parody, misspellings included. Some of the other ones are quite scary in their hateful nature though.

Francisco Rodriguez said...

Maybe it's just me, but I've never found invisible unicorns, zesty levitating monsters, or tooth fairies too elucidating in philosophical discussions :P

beepbeepitsme said...

I always find it hilarious that these so called loving believers practically have an orgasm while they tell people that they are going to burn in torment for an eternity.

I tend to reply like this>>

I hope you won't think I hate you when I tell you this, but according to my belief system, you are going to die of a horrible, protracted death from cancer, heart disease, stroke or diabetes.

It will be extremely painful, and towards the end you will be comatose in a cot, wearing diapers and shitting yourself constantly.

After you are dead, your existence will be no more. The only visitors to your grave will be stray rabid dogs who will take a piss on your grave.

Please don't take offence or think I bear any hatred towards you when I tell you this, as it is just part of my belief system and I feel compelled and obligated to tell you this.

Vic said...

beepbeepitsme: that's a GREAT retort. Mind if I tool it for my own use? Properly attributed of course.

As for the original post, yes, these people are scary and funny, all at once. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or buy a gun when I read such details of christian love like endless tales of sodomy.

Speaking of which, I don't get their extreme preoccupation with sodomizing others or seeing them sodomized. Maybe it's more of that 'projection' thing....

Anonymous said...

"Depart from me ye worker of iniquity, I never knew you"

Why the hell is God always speaking in Shakespearian English? If I had to endure an eternity of 'Ye''Thee''Thou' and whatnot, I'd PREFER Hell.

At least Satan proportedly listens to Ozzy.

In all seriousness though, Christian's seem to have a particular dilemma on their hands right now: they condemn Islam for being a violent and domineering (which it is), at the same time they are telling the creator of the FSM to prepare to get sodomized by various body parts/supernatural beings/militant wierdos.

Of course I guess expecting consistency from a Christian is a little to much to ask.


Aaron Kinney said...

Recently on, in response to a Christian telling me that I was going to burn in Hell after I died (after I whooped his ass intellectually), a fellow atheist Essembly member told the Christian who spouted the Hell threat by saying something like, "that is the taunt of the defeated opponent in full retreat".

It was awesome. And I think I want to use that from now on whenever anyoen threatens me with Hell. I will say "that is the taunt of the deafeated in full retreat!"


Hellbound Alleee said...

It seems to be the basis of a lot of false belief systems based on a personal fetish, like Christianity and suffering. Not only do you get to enjoy suffering in life, you are rewarded for it in death by getting front-row seats to the Show in Hell.

Think about it: if the ultimate reward is to watch others suffer, there must be something great about suffering. Ask any masochist.

Psychelfyn said...

"that is the taunt of the deafeated in full retreat!"

My favorite is 'the wail of the wounded woo'

Anonymous said...

Wow, impressive posts. Shame about the grammar and spelling from these loving-so-called-Christians. Of course, the Bible is quite as infantile as the posts these Christians seem to spew.

Anonymous said...

How can these "Christians" be so hateful? Doesnt that go against their faith? Its so disgusting to think that these people are out there walking around thinking they are good, God Loving, people when their true selves- the ones they are hiding behind the safety net of a computer screen, are actually what they would call a sinner, having such evil fantasies. Sickening...

Anonymous said...

Noble friend,

In your zeal to do what is good and holy (i.e. expose the hypocrisy and stupidity rife in the Christian camp) you have accidentally included what i am sure are two parodic 'hatemails.' numbers 2 and 3 are just too silly to be real.

Jesusmarine scares the shit out of me - to think people like that actually exist gives me the creeping willies - and they gave him a gun? Either this guy is a wannabe hawk, or the U.S. gov. doesn't screen it's military applicants very well for mental imbalance. There is just no reasoning with people that stupid. God (or FSM) save those poor bastards in Iraq!

Hail FSM!


The Cookie Monster said...

hi, stumbled upon your blog and noticed that you inferd that you used to be Christian. Could you elaborate?

Aaron Kinney said...

Sure, Ill elaborate for you a bit.

I was a Lutheran for 17 years. I went to church every Sunday, went to bible study, and even the church youth group. My increased studying of the faith eventually backfired and I became an atheist.

So your blog infers that you are Christian. Could you elaborate?