Thursday, September 22, 2005

Your Friendly Neighborhood Exorcist

The Vatican's Rome University is looking to recruit new exorcists in the fight against demonic possession. Included in the article is this little sentence:

Students also attend classes in psychology so that priests can distinguish between "real cases" of satanic possession and illnesses such as schizophrenia.

And that's good, because we would hate to have yet another case in which a schizophrenic nutcase sought religious assistance instead of medical assistance, therefore resulting in the deaths of either themselves, or nearby innocents, like their children. Andrea Yates, Dena Schlosser, or Anneliese Michel (whose story served as inspiration for the recent movie "The Exorcism of Emily Rose") come to mind.

Apparently the Vatican still thinks demonic possession is a big problem. That's funny, because I couldn't find any Government statistics on demonic possession anywhere (anywhere outside the Vatican website, that is). First I ran a search for "demonic possession" over at, the United States Government web portal. I found nothing relevant, just some stuff about drug possession, which is hardly the same thing. Why isn't the United States Government tracking this serious issue? Maybe the United States Government is in cahoots with the demons? Maybe the United States Government is itself possessed? Or is it possible that the theory of demonic possession is just as legitimate as Phrenology?

My quest for Government statistics on demonic possession had experienced a small setback, but it was by no means over. I figured my next best place to look would be at the Europa website, which calls itself the "Gateway to the European Union." The European Union currently represents twenty-five European nations that have served as the traditional and historical backbone of superstitious afterlife-belief (mostly of the Christian variety) for over a thousand years. Surely they would be intelligent enough to track vital demon possession statistics! I ran a search, and surprisingly got these results:

Your search on "demonic possession" matched 0 of 2051163 documents

Zero results out of two million, fifty one thousand, one hundred and sixty three documents? Well this certainly doesn't solve my problem! All it does is increase the extreme nature of my two possible explanations: Either there is a really, really big conspiracy of demonic possession that stretches across the Atlantic, or the Vatican is full of monster-in-the-closet, afraid-of-their-own-shadow, retards.

Finally I decided to search the official Vatican Website itself. I entered my search phrase, again "demonic possession," and I found six hundred and eighty eight results! They were mostly relevant results too, unlike the irrelevant drug possession results that Firstgov gave me. But what does this say? Well, it says we can at least know that the Vatican believes their own shit.

If the Vatican thinks that demonic possession warrants a call for new exorcists, then obviously they think it’s a significant problem in the world. And if the Vatican is a sovereign nation-state, then shouldn't other Vatican-friendly governments be tracking this kind of phenomena as well? Shouldn't the US and the EU be cooperating in detecting and fighting demonic possession? Shouldn't the US and EU at least release some information, or maybe pass legislation, on what constitutes demonic possession so that their citizens can be informed of the facts?

Or, is it just possible in some crazy way, that the Vatican doesn't have any evidence to back up its apparent view that demonic possession is a real phenomena? I think that if the Vatican does properly diagnose who is demonically possessed and who is just nuts, they won't need any exorcists ever again. It is clear that all these recent cases had religion serve as an impediment to proper treatment, and if medical care was administered instead of religious voodoo, these people (and their children) would still be alive.

If the only difference between a case of schizophrenia and a victim of demonic possession is an aversion to religious objects and speaking in funny tongues, then I'm afraid that many more Andrea Yates, Dena Schlosser, and Anneliese Michel cases will pop up in the future.


VanTilsGhost said...


Sometimes one forgets the absurdity of things like this.

By the way, where does demonic possession fit into FSM theology?

Hellbound Alleee said...

I thought the Vatican was scientifically progressive ! BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA !

Gaijin said...

Do you remember that some year ago the Vatican chief exorcist, father Gabriele Amorth was the first to comment that Harry Potter is a satan's book, and all the mubojumbo? I suddenly understood why. K.K.Rowling has stolen him the idea of a school for magicians...

Aaron Kinney said...

By the way, where does demonic possession fit into FSM theology?

In FSM theology, it is referred to as "Pirate Possession" and what happens is that a pirate ghost will possess an FSM believer who does not observe "Talk Like A Pirate Day" nor dons the full pirate regalia on FSM holy days and holidays.

The possession is meant to instill the minimum required amount of swaggery piratitude in the Pastafarian. Possession can be brought to an end only by wearing full pirate regalia, talking like a pirate, and other piratitude-appropiate mannerisms.

Fortunately, because the possession is meant to bring about such mannerisms, these possessions usually dont last that long. They last days or weeks as opposed to the years of possession that Catholics sometimes endure.

This is yet another instance of how Pastafarianism and the FSM is a totally superior theology compared to any other religion currently practiced today.

I hope this gives you the information you need, VanTilsGhost!


Delta said...

Lol AK, great explanation. I used to think FSM was really annoying, but it's becoming quite an interesting thing to watch :)

Anonymous said...

Have you all seen Paul Manata's recent blogs on AK? I'd check them out if I were you, kinda puts the little fella in his intellectual place.

Anonymous said...

Ah. Good ol' Catholic Jig. One step forward, two steps back.

Anonymous said...

Good call Anonymous! That Paul Manata is a GIANT in the field, being annoying.

But he is engaged to the most beautiful woman God created, so that is something.

Aaron Kinney said...

Give it a rest anonymous. He already posted his link, and I let it stay on the comments. He posted it one day after I told him I was sick of his behavior and through with him. I think his article speaks more about his inferiority complex and his sloppy out of context quote mining skills than anything else.

Why dont you engage me directly anonymous, instead of cheerlead for your messiah, Paul? Any more spam like this, and I will pull a Manata and apply some of his rules to my own blog.

Oh yea, and according to Manata, he is engaged to the most beautiful "women" in the world LOL. At least hes still consistent with the Bible!

LBBP said...

You obviously aren't searching the right databases. One quick Google of "demonic possession" took me to, home of the "Demonic Possession Handbook". You can even use the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on this one.

You know, written by the same people that brought you; "Bible Sex Facts, by J. F. Cogan" and "Proof that God Is Real, the Bible is True...".

Of course, all of these texts say essentially the same thing.

"Because God said so..."

How can you argue with "logic" like that.

Aaron Kinney said...

Okay theists! Due to your incessant pestering of me with Manatas ridiculous blog posts, Ive posted a reply. It is here:

Manata Ja Ja Redux

Bahnsen Burner said...

Anon: "Have you all seen Paul Manata's recent blogs on AK? I'd check them out if I were you"

I am not in the habit of reading Manata's blogs. I've read enough of Manata to know that he is not a serious thinker and that his only ambition is to ridicule people who don't believe in his cartoon universe. I never learn anything by reading Manata's writings that I didn't already know, so I don't see what point it would be even to read his blogs. If you feel otherwise, Anon (Paul?), then feel all you like. Maybe feelings are all you have.

Aaron Kinney said...

kinda puts the little fella in his intellectual place.

LOL I just put Manata (and anonymous) in their intellectual places... Sweet, savory irony.

Hey anonymous, how blissful is your ignorance anyway?

Anonymous said...

How'd you do that? You just made fun of him and then accused him of quote mining even though you never proved that he in fact quote mined.

Don't you think you should prove that he quote mined?

Aaron Kinney said...

anonymous, take it to the correct blog: Goosing the Antithesis. Go post about this in the comments over there, where its already being discussed.

DUB said...

I wonder why exorcisms aren't much more commonplace?

The Bible clearly supports the idea of demonic possession. It provides overwhelming evidence that mental and physical illness are direct results of possession, and not germs or chemical imbalances, and all that other mumbo jumbo. God never mentioned viruses. Jesus never brought up psychological trauma.

Yet, xians still continue to go to psychiatrists and medical doctors. I don't think I have to point out that these doctors are merely scientists, who follow the exact same method that supports evolution, and we're well aware how adamantly they believe the overwhelming evidence from the exact same source on that position.

Anonymous said...


No I won't. Manata had you guys commenting off-topic and so he closed his comments section. What, you don't like that when I do it here??? If you do, then shut up about me taking it to another blog, you nazi censurist. If you don't, then should you apologize to Manata? Either way, you're f-ed.

DUB said...

I proved he quote mined.

Now, can "anonymous" prove that Paul actually knows what quote mining is (by definition, not in practice - that much is established)?

Aaron Kinney said...

anonymous, your last comment made no sense whatsoever. I was just going to delete everything youve written and then forbid anonymous comments, but I think itll be more fun to leave your incoherent rant up for everyone to point and laugh at. :)

Roger Lordblessed said...

Hello Precious Aaron - my fellow brother/sister in YHWH:

I just wanted to let you know that God loves you. I love you. God and I were just reminscing last night about you in fact. We have your voice in our hearts, and we are waiting for you to come round to the love of the Lord.

Anyway, to stick to your topic: The Vatican ITSELF is wholly under the possession of Satan. It is a Demonic homosexual institution through and through. If you doubt that, you should check out the history of the shady characters who have been popes - it is a real eye-opener!

If you ever want to experience a religion which has the TRUTH and knows the PURITY of the Lord, then check out the Temple of the Risen Lord. We're here for you, buddy! The day when you arrive in Bangkok will be a day a rejoicing and splendor!

Praise the Lord!
Roger Lordblessed

Anonymous said...

You get all the fun comments, Aaron.

Anonymous said...

To believe that there are no demons, no angels, and that satan does not have a way to enter this world would be complete ignorance. The one thing I feel when I think about this sort of thing is that it is true. It's easy to say I don't believe and carry on with life, but you have to think that maybe hurricanes don't exist either if you've never seen one.

Point is, that once you were to come into contact with either of those I'm sure it would be a life altering and eye opening experience as to what is true and what is not.

I have a feeling that in the future, the world will start to realize what has been happening while most people had their eyes closed. The bible said that satan will return to earth and the anti-christ will bring pain and suffering to all. That time is approaching and you can either believe it or don't. It won't change what's going to happen.

I feel it best to be prepared rather than caught off guard. To be stuck in the "it will never happen to me" mentality only makes it worse.

Feel free to pick, flame, or even delete this post but I know I feel better after having my say about it.

"St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. Restrain him, O God, we humbly beseech Thee, and do Thou, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast him into hell with the other evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen."

Anonymous said...

During Demonic Possession the soul of the possessed is still safe from the demonic spirits if the possession is unwilling, correct? May the demons leave at anytime, and if the victim dies(either during exorcism or from the possession) does the demon stay trapped in the body or get cast out? Since our souls leave us at death is it possible that the demonic spirit still hold our bodies in their power? As far as the statistics go, I was searching for any exorcisms that were actually a success, the majority I found ended in death of the victim, there was only 1 or 2 cases of survival, in the mmodern days why is it so hard to make the demons leave as opposed to centuries ago when possession could be called out by anyone pretty much that tried to cast out a demon? Also medically any "possessed" person is usually described as having a severe mental problems, multiple personalities, epilepsy, mania, psychosis, schizophrenia, and such. So why do people beleive they are possessed when medically they are "diagnosed"?
Please answer any questions you can, I am really curious and most of my research has ended woth dead ends!
Thank you-

Anonymous said...

Reluctantly, I have come to believe in demonic possession, because I see it in front of me every day. Demons collect souls, and the biggest one has convinced people to volunteer their souls to him, under the guise that he is not a demon. How else is it possible to explain the behaviour of those whose souls he commands? Why else would people come to my door raving about some book or other being the absolute truth, or telling me the Flintstones is a documentary. And the hate they spew towards all who are not possessed...

The irony, of course, is they don't even recognize the biggest soul-stealer of them all for what he is, or the incessant evil his followers continue to wreak upon the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

i feel so sorry for you who are so bitterly against Christ. I know I can safely say one major thing about you, just from reading your blasphemy. Inwardly, I know that you are a bitter and unhappy person. Think about that. hate God = bitter and unhappy. wise up brothers and sisters.