Thursday, May 24, 2007

Christ Permanente

While the good old days of letting Jesus fix what ails you are long gone, there is potential for the emergence of a new kind of faith-based healing! You see, not only do I blog against God and the afterlife, but I also happen to work in the health insurance industry, so the concept of praying away the costs of scientific and materialistic healthcare rather than praying away the sickness itself (we all know how well that works, am I right?) is very interesting to me.

Gladys S Parker of The Onion proudly leads the charge for faith based insurance:

Why, just the other day I went to County General because my legs were giving me awful pains, and this nurse starting asking me questions about providers and what was my health care plan and wanting my insurance card so she could copy it. I said, "Child, I don't need all that fancy paperwork—not as long as I have Jesus in my heart."

No matter what sorts of hardships and illnesses life throws my way, I always count on the Lord to oversee my managed care. So I told that nurse to send my bills right up to heaven. Send them right on up, because Jesus is my preferred provider and He always grants me full coverage. After all, Jesus believed in healing the sick and helping the poor, so He most definitely believes in paying my doctor bills on time.

The Son of God doesn't screen for pre- existing conditions, and the only requirement for coverage is that you accept Him into your life. There is no deductible with the Lord, and every doctor, clinic, and hospital is in His network. As long as I get down on my knees and submit my claims every night, Jesus will accept them. Even though Peter denied Him three times in a single night, He never denies me, no matter how many ovarian cysts and respiratory infections I might develop.

15 comments:

beepbeepitsme said...

RE: "He never denies me, no matter how many ovarian cysts and respiratory infections I might develop."

God belief in this sense seems to be a way to get people to accept the crappy things that happen to them. As in - "Don't complain - it is all god's will that you suffer tremendous pain."

I don't get it.

Aaron Kinney said...

Hi Beepbeep!

If you need help "getting it" then look at the "dont complain" statement from the perspective of those who control the church. The preachers and such.

In that way, it makes perfect sense. Its a tool for keeping the sheep in line.

Atheism Sucks! sucks said...

Hey Aaron, you should join the Atheist Blogroll.

Bahnsen Burner said...

"While the good old days of letting Jesus fix what ails you are long gone..."

You mean to say, Aaron, I may never have 20/20 vision again? That's really disappointing, especially given the biblical precedent of Jesus restoring eyesight to those who were blind since birth, and given the many promises inserted in Jesus' mouth that he'll do whatever we ask in his name.

Pray away health care costs? Damn! I just want my money back from Zondervan's!

Regards,
Dawson

Aaron Kinney said...

Hi Atheism Sucks Sucks,

It looks like Im already on that blogroll. But thanx for the heads up :)

Krystalline Apostate said...

But...brother Aaron, you gotta have faith, dontcha know?
You think someone named after Moses' brother would realize that.
Hehehehe.

Sacred Slut said...

Just a couple of days ago we had someone write into the paper (letters to the editor, ongoing god debate sparked by the Day of Prayer) to attest that someone's son was cured of a cancerous tumor by prayer. Mind if I see those medical records myself? And please note: still no amputees healed.

Glintir said...

Now I know why you're an Atheist. You're in the insurance industry, so you know damn well you're going straight to hell. :D

That'd be funnier if I believed it.

angelsdepart said...

"As long as I get down on my knees and submit my claims every night, Jesus will accept them"

You would have better luck getting on your knee's and submitting you claims to me sweetheart! At least if you were really good I might consider helping you out on a few bills!!! LOL!!!

angelsdepart said...

I know that having comment moderation lets you weed out that little troll Frankypoo, but it takes some of the life out of your blog. Any chance that the troll has finally left you alone and your blog can once again be freed?

olly said...

Dammit, for me and the wife and kid i'm paying like 500 bucks a month... where can i sign up for the Holy Healthcare Plan?

-olly

Aaron Kinney said...

Angelsdepart,

Yes you are right. I miss the old days when I could just let comments appear. However, this moderation thing has led me to a discovery: I am occasionaly getting comments in REALLY OLD posts (like 2005 and shit) by random people. This way I can at least be aware of them.

But still, I would prefer a non moderated blog myself. The action is better that way.

Maybe Ill give it another shot and see if I can do it without getting lots of perverted comments from Christian-pedophiles.

es said...

Aaron, it seems to work well having email notification on. That way you can simply delete anything objectionable.

Aaron Kinney said...

es,

True. I am giving it a trial run of automatic comment approval with an email notifier. Hopefully I will be able to keep the trolling out with this method. I much prefer not having to babysit my comments section... this troll crap is such a pain :(

Krystalline Apostate said...

Aaron - have you 'converted' to the New Blogger? It sends you emails on every post since the beginning of 'time'.
I also have the Recent Comments widget.