Wednesday, March 14, 2007

God is a Lousy Lay

Sarah Silverman confirmed it: God sucks in the sack. But honestly, was anyone surprised that this was the case? It can be safely assumed that the "immaculate conception" of Jesus didn't give Mary an immaculate orgasm. According to the Bible, Mary didn't even know she was impregnated until an angel told her so. I can imagine Mary thinking to herself, "God impregnated me and I didn't even get to do the naked dance. At least He could have given me the reach-around!"

And of course, Jesus was presumably a virgin his entire life, so he didn't get to hone his skills with the ladies. Poor Sarah Silverman, being Jewish, had to find that out the hard way.

And what about sex in the afterlife? Who would want to be in an afterlife populated with virgins and chaste people anyway? I would rather be in an afterlife full of people who know how to have a proper fucking. I've slept with Christians, Muslims, Jews, agnostics, and atheists. I got to say that in my experience the atheists and agnostics do it best, the barely religious do it pretty good to ok, and the extremely devout do it worst. Maybe that's why Ted Haggard went looking for gay hookers? Maybe his wife couldn't ride him like he wanted? And maybe that's why cheating and meth use is higher in more religious communities?

Sean from Blacksun Journal has a good write-up of the whole Silverman and God issue. Go check it out.

16 comments:

King Aardvark said...

So we can say from your wording that you have slept with at least 10 people. Good job. ;-)

But your sampling is flawed in one respect: these people, even the religious ones, are sleeping around premaritally (unless you've been divorced a bunch of times, and that opens up more problems). In that case, the ones you've been sleeping with have been by far not the most prudish of the religious people. I can imagine how bad the sex must be with the real prudes of the bunch. The level of stimulation must be so low that it's a miracle they can conceive at all.

Aaron Kinney said...

So we can say from your wording that you have slept with at least 10 people. Good job. ;-)

Give or take a few ;)

But your sampling is flawed in one respect: these people, even the religious ones, are sleeping around premaritally (unless you've been divorced a bunch of times, and that opens up more problems). In that case, the ones you've been sleeping with have been by far not the most prudish of the religious people.

Its all been premarital with me. Ive never been married.

Most of the religious people Ive slept with were fairly liberal in their religious views, but I have slept with a couple of fundie Christians believe it or not. I think it was a simple issue of their hormones overpowering their Christianity, for they would talk pious but they would, later at night, act somewhat unpious.

But what does that prove other than that they are sinners just like everyone else?

I can imagine how bad the sex must be with the real prudes of the bunch. The level of stimulation must be so low that it's a miracle they can conceive at all.

And not only that, but the more they enjoy the sex, the more they guilt trip themselves afterwards. Its as if they think that the good orgasms make God angrier than the weak ones. In fact, the last time I had sex with the fundie girl was the best sex we had had with eachother up to that point. The quality of the act and the notion of a disapproving cosmic big brother looking down on her literally guilt tripped her into no longer sleeping with me.

I wonder if she at least can masturbate without feeling guilty? Poor deluded girl.

Sacred Slut said...

I can imagine Mary thinking to herself, "God impregnated me and I didn't even get to do the naked dance. At least He could have given me the reach-around!"
LMAO

Aaron, you're on a roll today. Your posts both cracked me up. I can't say I have any similar data re: religiosity and fuckability, mainly because I didn't necessarily quiz the guys beforehand. ;-)

What is it with these ancient religions and their fear/hatred of women and sex? I guess it is basically just a control issue; women as property.

Paul said...

Sounds like you may be a pretty firm believer that religion has pretty much nothing to it but superstition and sexual repression. I see religion as covering a much broader territory than this.

Martin Luther King and Ghandi, for example, were pretty religious. I don't think sexual repression and superstition were what led them to lead the lives they did.

Aaron Kinney said...

I never said that sexual repression and superstition was something that leads people to live certain lives. Actually, sexual repression is one of the aspects of the lives these people live thanks to their subscription to superstition.

And Martin Luther was a nutjob. I posted some stuff about him a week or two ago attesting to his OCD and other crazy traits.

Ghandi's life was based on staying true to his Indian culture and freeing that nation from the British. I dont think his life was lived based on religious ideas, but on humanistic ideas.

angelsdepart said...

"Its all been premarital with me. Ive never been married"

Aaron, If you never get married then it will never be premarital sex. I believe the church would be forced to condone your actions

"And Martin Luther was a nutjob. I posted some stuff about him a week or two ago attesting to his OCD and other crazy traits."

I loved your post on this. I borrowed your piece and a piece from Paul Tobin to refute a post from an old friend. I failed to cite where your piece came from, although I thought it was obvious. It has turned into an all out altercation and I was hoping you would check it out and offer your opinion. Thanks man http://angelsdepart.blogspot.com/2007/03/defending-murderer-pt-1.html

Krystalline Apostate said...

I can imagine Mary thinking to herself, "God impregnated me and I didn't even get to do the naked dance. At least He could have given me the reach-around!"
'Wham-bam, thank you ma'am. Here's your angel to tell you what you've won!'

King Aardvark said...

You are a evil, horrible tempter of good fundie girls, like Satan you are ;-)

So premarital sex is ok, just so long as it's not good sex? Eh?

I've never understood this common anti-pleasure sentiment in certain religious people. Not all religious people, of course, but there's been enough self-denial and self-flagellation in history that it's obviously not uncommon.

Aaron Kinney said...

King Aardvark,

I think it has to do with "pleasure of the flesh" as opposed to "pleasure of the soul/spirit".

If you are married, then its OK to have hot steamy sex because its still "pleasure of the spirit" and honors God.

But if you have hot steamy sex unmarried, then for some stupid reason its just physical pleasure, doesnt honor God, and is bad.

Absolutely retarded, and most Christians dont live up to it anyway.

Im wondering if really CRAPPY marital sex is looked down upon by God? Is it dishonorable to God to be married and NOT have superhot steamy sex? Hmmm...

wade419 said...

haha, Aaron. Even though I disagree with most of your ideas, you are a really clever and witty guy - the title of this post made me laugh.

Yet in the spirit of debate...

if you're assuming the generally accepted omnipotent God (which I'm assuming...that you're assuming...) and you then consider that God CREATED sex, he just might have a handle on the whole thing. I mean, He wired us to enjoy sex...a lot. He could have just popped each of us into existence, but - he gave us, as you so eloquently put it, the "naked dance".

And to quote Cameron from House, M.D., "Sex COULD kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent. It's ugly. And it's messy. And if God hadn't made it UNBELIEVABLY fun, the human race would have died out eons ago."

Plus, I'm sure if God wanted to show someone a good time, they would have a good time. ;)

breakerslion said...

When a sentient being sleeps with a lower life form here on earth, we call it bestiality. If that omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, whacked-out nutjob of a god was real, then from all accounts, he had as much concern for Mary's experience as your common sheep-shagger has for the sheep. Go ahead apologists, make all the excuses you want.

So sex can kill you? So can food, drink, straining on the toilet, and getting out of bed in the morning. What's your point?

wade419 said...

well, taken in the context of the rest of my post, my point wasn't even related to the fact that sex could kill you...it was related to the part about God making it unbelievably fun.

The rest of it I included mostly because I like that quote and that scene. But if you really wanted to you could look at it as a contrast between God's choice of how to make us reproduce and how he could have done it: with a snap of his fingers and a "poof".

But the real point was that God designed it to be something that we as humans REALLY enjoy doing. So while I think that the assertion that God is lousy in bed is humorous, the fact that He created it and gave it to us in the first place kinda lends one to think otherwise...

Frank Walton said...

According to the Bible, Mary didn't even know she was impregnated until an angel told her so.

That's not true. The angel of the Lord first told her that she will conceive then she beared the child (Luke 1:31-35). He didn't say, you were pregnant. Get your Bible straight you porno-watching perv.

Aaron Kinney said...

That's not true. The angel of the Lord first told her that she will conceive then she beared the child (Luke 1:31-35). He didn't say, you were pregnant. Get your Bible straight you porno-watching perv.

I stand corrected. Allow me to revise my statement thusly:

God told Mary that he would impregnate her. He gave her no choice. No consent = rape.

God raped Mary the mother of Jesus.

Thanks for setting me straight on that one, Frank.

say no to christ said...

LMAO, great come back Aaron!

Anonymous said...

Hello, my name is something holy. I will insert my wonderful airy limb and create something fluffy inside you. You will feel nothing. So I will just go ahead and do it.

Imagine how you would respond to something like that!

But I get it, it was 2000 years ago. Women had no rights! And needed to do whatever was told to them.

Good job mr God.