Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Buying the Cellphone to Heaven

Check out this Wall Street Journal article titled, "New Cellphone Services Put God on the Line."

In late 2004, an ultra-Orthodox rabbi asked Abrasha Burstyn, the chief executive of a small Israeli cellphone company, for a phone that could put the secular world on hold.

Cellphone companies, at the time, had started to load their products with entertainment features, and the rabbi wanted none of it. He was in search of a phone without Internet capabilities or text messaging. He didn't want cameras, music downloading, or anything else that could "distract" the pious. He was looking for a device that could make and receive calls. Period.

Yahweh forbid that one receives text messages or instant news highlights on one's phone, especially when one lives in such an uneventful and peaceful area like Israel.

And the Orthodox Jews aren't the only ones in on it:

Companies are selling devices and services such as Christian ringtones and phones with timers that remind Muslims of prayer time.

How about a notification sent to a Christian cellphone network in the event of rapture? Oh wait, they already have an email service for that.

While this article is amusing, I am a bit disappointed. That is because the article title implies that there is a cellphone that connects to heaven, not just a cellphone that is designed with theistic, yet purely material, features. So I think this story was kind of misleading.

But in any case, the article got me thinking. I thought, "If a Rabbi can ask a cellphone company to make a kosher phone, why can't a theist ask a cellphone company to make a prayer-cellphone? One that connects to God and God alone for the most direct and efficient means of prayer delivery possible?"

I wonder if Abrasha Burstyn would take that request seriously? I wonder if the Muslims who requested cellphones that remind them of prayer time would take that idea seriously? Somehow I get the feeling that the idea would get laughed at by the theists.

But all the same, the consequences of achieving this prayerphone feat would be enormous. Cellphones can be located through the method of triangulation. So theoretically, we could identify the location of the afterlife, or even God Himself! Finally there would be some afterlife proof, and I would have to shut this blog down.

Of course, cellphones and cellphone towers have a limited range, but with God aren't all things possible? Why would God need cellphone towers in His kingdom in order to receive the signal?

Since I am an atheist fool who thinks that God and the afterlife are imaginary and anti-life, I started imagining creative ways to piss off these Wireless Orthodox Rabbis. I figured one good way to do this would be to offer a counter product. And of course, the best way to do this is to offer every temple-attending Jewish citizen of Israel a free cellphone, where the phone casing is made of shellfish exoskeletons and the internal components are made of ham! It doesn't matter if any Jews accept the free hamphone or not, because just offering and advertising it in the streets of Jerusalem would be enough. Now if only I knew how to make a circuit board out of bacon...


Adam V. said...

Only Chuck Norris knows how to make a circuit board out of bacon, and he's not talking.

nullifidian said...

One can also send faxes to Jehovah. I don't think he's in the directory, though.

Anonymous said...

Don't pay too much attention to the premill crowd. (Tim LeHay, the rapture will happen before there are 7 years of hell on earth) There is little Biblical support for the premill position, and even less historical evidence that it was even accepted by the church until the last 150 years or so. The "end times" crowd usually means well, but they are in need of a few hours of exegetical eschatlolgy. Strike that, they need instruction in proper rules of Biblical interpretation period.

Paul C. Quillman

BlackSun said...

Entertainment on phones!?!


And distract people from the entertainment in church?

Secular Planet said...

Have these people never heard of not using the features they don't want to use? I'd understand if it were just a price issue, but c'mon people!

"I would like a car that only drives to the synagogue."

"You can drive this car to the synagogue. Or anywhere else you want."

"NO! It must only be able to drive to the synagogue! Not the cinema! Not the zoo! Nothing dirty like that! Synagogue ONLY!!!"

Aaron Kinney said...

Paul Quillman,

Thank you, I will keep that in mind. So what do you think of my prayerphone idea?

Anonymous said...

Hey if there is a market for it, I'm in. Nothing wrong with selling a cell phone with a specific set (or lack thereof) of features to a niche market. And hey, maybe we can get some in the Christian music industry to endorse the product. It could work:)

And if you could get a cell phone that could call heaven, what a great witnessing tool.


Anonymous said...

Sadly, there are many churches that are little more than entertainment hubs. The thinking is that if we have more rock bands, and less theology, more people will come to church. Sadly, it ends out preaching a weak Gospel at best, and a false one at worst.

Secular Planet,
It would make sense that if someone did not like the features on a phone, they could buy a different phone, or not use one altogether. However, if there is a market for it, let someone make that kind of phone, and sell it. We would not have to buy it, and those that wanted one could get one, and the manufacture could make money. Free market econ is a beautiful thing.

Krystalline Apostate said...

Or you could hack into their network, & upload dial tones from Slayer, Black Sabbath, & Judas priest. Just replace the 'most popular' tones w/them.

breakerslion said...

Talk about control freaks! In a parallel universe, these orthodox types are the tops and bottoms of some interesting S&M groups.

Your idea for a god line could have some chilling commercial possibilities. How about, "Record your prayer on our voice mail and it will be played back ad nauseum (x times) for only fifty cents a minute!"

Unless I am mistaken, God is alleged to love you. For some reason highly convenient to the various priest factions, He won't tell you so himself. Trust me.

say no to christ said...

A cell phone for that religious, created by an atheist. LOL Now thats classic and I have no doubt it would sell.