Tuesday, July 29, 2008

California Invokes God's Wrath

As I was walking back to the office from my lunch break moments ago, I witnessed firsthand God's righteous wrath. God struck Southern California with a magnitude 5.8 earthquake, and it is painfully obvious that He did so because of California's recent legalization of gay marriage.

Unfortunately for God, there are not yet any reports of queer-deaths. It seems that He may have missed, or only have given us a "warning," which means that He will likely strike again with even greater vengeance.

Attention all queer-hating, Abrahamic-religion-believers: What should I as an atheist do now to protect myself from future earthquake-assaults from God almighty? And has God given you any revelations or hints as to when and where he will hit us next for our gay-marriage-allowing ways? Please, please provide a response to these questions in the comments section below. Do it for your fellow human beings that they might be saved from future earthquake-wrath attacks from omnibenevolent God!

Monday, July 14, 2008

LOL Cat Bible

Some LOLCat fans have been translating the Holy Bible into LOLCatSpeak.

Let's take a look at Genesis Chapter 1

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.

Finally, a Bible that makes sense!

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Godly Smiting of Reverend Timothy Wright

What did Rev. Timothy Wright do to bring about God's almighty wrath? Timothy Wright is a preacher and gospel singer from New York, and last Saturday, July 5th, God stuck Timothy and his wife with a vengeance. Rev. Wright and his wife were involved in a brutal car accident in which another vehicle drove the wrong way down the street and caused a head-on collision with the Wright's vehicle. The Reverend was critically injured, and his wife was killed.

While authorities are still investigating the cause of the accident, God recently announced that it was He who made the accident happen. While He refused to give any specifics, He did tell the press:

"Rev. Wright is a sinner, just like everyone else, and his day of punishment was at hand. In my almighty wisdom and benevolence, I have unleashed massive physical injuries upon Rev. Wright, and in order to ensure that his emotional trauma matches his physical trauma, I smote his wife completely and sent her to Hell for all eternity. Let this be a reminder to you all that even when it comes to preachers, I giveth, and I taketh away."

While speculation abounds as to which sin in particular may have caused God to unleash His almighty fist of omnipotent fury, the Reverend's neighbors reported that they saw him talking to his secretary on his cellphone about business related matters the previous Sunday. According to contemporary Biblical scholars, Sunday is known as the "Sabbath," and working on the Sabbath is a "sin" in the eyes of God.

Both God and Jesus declined repeated requests for further comment, and instead instructed the press to wait for more details which would be revealed on the crispy surface of an overcooked bagel that will be put up for auction on Ebay "in due time."