Monday, July 07, 2008

The Godly Smiting of Reverend Timothy Wright

What did Rev. Timothy Wright do to bring about God's almighty wrath? Timothy Wright is a preacher and gospel singer from New York, and last Saturday, July 5th, God stuck Timothy and his wife with a vengeance. Rev. Wright and his wife were involved in a brutal car accident in which another vehicle drove the wrong way down the street and caused a head-on collision with the Wright's vehicle. The Reverend was critically injured, and his wife was killed.

While authorities are still investigating the cause of the accident, God recently announced that it was He who made the accident happen. While He refused to give any specifics, He did tell the press:

"Rev. Wright is a sinner, just like everyone else, and his day of punishment was at hand. In my almighty wisdom and benevolence, I have unleashed massive physical injuries upon Rev. Wright, and in order to ensure that his emotional trauma matches his physical trauma, I smote his wife completely and sent her to Hell for all eternity. Let this be a reminder to you all that even when it comes to preachers, I giveth, and I taketh away."


While speculation abounds as to which sin in particular may have caused God to unleash His almighty fist of omnipotent fury, the Reverend's neighbors reported that they saw him talking to his secretary on his cellphone about business related matters the previous Sunday. According to contemporary Biblical scholars, Sunday is known as the "Sabbath," and working on the Sabbath is a "sin" in the eyes of God.

Both God and Jesus declined repeated requests for further comment, and instead instructed the press to wait for more details which would be revealed on the crispy surface of an overcooked bagel that will be put up for auction on Ebay "in due time."

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

As an African-American atheist and ex-Baptist from the Bible Belt, I knew it would be a matter of time before someone articulated my thoughts about the accident.

I am saddened on a human level, but events like this serve only to reinforce my atheism. It amazes me that so many African Americans are so blinded by this religious bullshit.

Anonymous said...

WOW. I will pray that God has mercy on your soul for writing such callous comments about the man of God. Regardless of your ill feelings towards someone because of how "foolish" you consider their beliefs to be, never defame someone who God has had His hand on. And to the anonymous commentor, I wonder what happened in your life that was so painful, so hurtful, so confusing, so disappointing (particulary, in the church).....that caused you to give up loving your Creator, but what's so great about it is that HE will never stop loving you. It's not about religion or doctrinal disputes about the afterlife, it's the faith in God and your personal relationship with Him that causes something deep down inside of you to know that when Jesus came, He really did go to prepare a place for us, far better than anything that we could experience on this earth. Believing in a life without pain and tears is not just wishful thinking....it's truth. And it doesn't devalue this life, but even more, increases our joy and motivation to live this one to the fullest. I don't know about you, but I'm convinced that the sufferings of this present time are not even worthy to be compared with the great glory and peace which shall be revealed in you and unto you. Mr. Anonymous boasts about being an African American atheist (which by the way, don't EVER affiliate the two again) and without saying, accused black Christians of entertaining religious BS. Well, to me, being an atheist,not a Christian, is what's close minded. Beiieving that God loved us enough to send His Son is what takes some REMARKABLE out-of-the-box thinking and searching. Your ex-Christianity is a sign of cowardness...fear to believe that SOMEONE actually loves you unconditionally and was willing to die for you so that you only have to endure death once....but after that, if you will believe in the GREATEST LOVE OF ALL, TRUE LIFE will be yours forever.

Greymalkin said...

Well, there must have been some big important reason for the Rev to be placed in such a situation by God, who is almighty and responsible for things good and bad.
Or was it the work of the devil after all, and is this accident part of his plans with us?

Or the plain truth as only atheists and other sane people seem to see it; stupid fucking bad luck.

breakerslion said...

"Believing in a life without pain and tears is not just wishful thinking....it's truth."

And he wrote it down, so it must be true.

"And there will be lollipops, and cake, and candy...."

It amazes me just how uniform the patter is, and how once one has firmly painted one's self inside that delusional box, one can see the world in no other way. I could go on and on about the unfounded assumptions, even within the delusional construct, contained in that ramble, but what would be the point?

From a clerical standpoint, this looks like a job for bullshit excuse #4:

"Satan did it!"

Of course we could also go for the "Mysterious ways" defense.

Or maybe, one of the Celestial General Contractors got a smudge on God's Plan and misread it where it distinctly said: "Put tab three gazillon and six in slot levendy-twelve.

Killing the guy's wife seems a bit old-fashioned though. I mean, "Women, they aren't just for trading for goats any more!"

breakerslion said...

More thoughts on God's "killing off" Rev. Wright's wife:

"I think somebody's Lord and Savior owes somebody 50 shekels of silver. Yes he does! Oh yes he does! Who's the little Tantrum Boy? That's right! Yes he is! Let's see a smile! Woojum woojum woojum!"

Anonymous said...

1:47 p.m. commentator: How dare you presume to tell me not to EVER affiliate my African-Americaness with my Atheism? It's descriptive, and I have every right to choose the words I want to describe myself.

I am African-American and an ATHEIST who grew up in the BIble Belt (deep South) and am fortunate to have survived the b.s. I learned as a child about religion and invisible sugar plum fairies in the sky. George Carlin said it best: "Religion is Bullshit." I have a former friend who is an attorney and who believes this shit. He has a sister who died of cancer way before her time, and I wonder how he reconciles his sister's untimely death with his religious delusions. It's so sad. It's also a racket for him and his wife. They make money off the religious hustle in much the same way as other Jesus hustlers, e.g., Creflo Dollar, et al.

Aaron Kinney said...

Re: Anonymous @ 7/7/08, 1:47pm,

WOW.I will pray that God has mercy on your soul for writing such callous comments about the man of God.

Let me know how that works out for you. Remember, the louder the bleats, the more likely He will answer ;)

Regardless of your ill feelings towards someone because of how "foolish" you consider their beliefs to be, never defame someone who God has had His hand on.

Who did I defame? I thought it was clear that in this essay I was defaming God (albeit sarcastically), and defending the Wrights as innocent victims! Don't you see that I bear the Wrights no ill will, or did you take this essay literally?

And to the anonymous commentor, I wonder what happened in your life that was so painful, so hurtful, so confusing, so disappointing (particulary, in the church).....that caused you to give up loving your Creator, but what's so great about it is that HE will never stop loving you.

Im willing to bet that it has much more to do with his capacity for independent and logical thought than it has to do with some hurt. I, for example, lost my faith through no hurt or traumatic incident, but only through honest inquiry.

The rest of your comment is a bunch of baaaaaaawwwwwing and emotional appeals. I should have tl;dr'd it.

But anonymous, the more important question is, what will come of your ideology if/when YOU experience a horrible car accident like the unfortunate and (relatively) innocent Wrights did?

Aaron Kinney said...

And to the first commenter, the afircan-american anonymous:

It amazes me that so many African Americans are so blinded by this religious bullshit.

If I may be so bold, I would wager that it is due to cultural reasons, and the pressure for conformity. This cultural pressure to conform is found in ALL cultures and among members of every race. To be sure, many whites, latinos, arabs, etc adhere to religion for the same reasons. But it seems to me that the highly disadvantaged status of african-americans causes them to bind closer together for protection and solidary and security reasons and whatnot. Now, solidarity is not in and of itself a bad thing, but it can manifest in bad ways, and in this case, it is manifesting by keeping too many african-americans under the spell of Christianity and to a lesser extent Islam. Both of those are Abrahamic religions, so its really the same thing.

You are a brave soul for confronting this cultural conformity pressure and for realizing the truth of atheism, my friend. :-)

Aaron Kinney said...

Re: Beakerslion,

From a clerical standpoint, this looks like a job for bullshit excuse #4:

"Satan did it!"


LMFAOOOOOOO!!!!! I would have shot milk out my nose had I been drinking any at the time!

Anonymous said...

Harsh. The guys wife and grandchild were killed. Sorry I don't see what's so funny about that.

Aaron Kinney said...

Whats FUNNY (in a tragic, pathetic way) is that so many people, including the Wrights themselves, ascribe conscious direction in everything in their lives, and they make appeals to a nonexistant god to directly intervene on their behalf and in their favor.

And it didn't work. And yet they STILL believe. Poor Rev. Wright probably won't learn ANYTHING from this tragedy, and will likely still believe in a cosmic casino boss who will fix the dice for him, no matter how many times nor how severely he "craps out."

Andrew said...

What IS amusing is that the athesits who laugh over his death have in fact exposed their own decadence.

And in the process, make clear what they would do to ALL believers if they had they chance.

Further confirmation that no atheist is fit for political office.

Random said...

Andrew,

no one is fit for political office.

the office itself is unfit.

Athesism is no different than any other ism. What is wrong is so-called sanity.

Do the insane start wars, no. We just start wars with imaginary rats under tables. YOU "sane" people believ in talking burning bushes and sticks into snakes. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! DOWN WITH SANITY!!!

-Random
Prince of Montreal

Anonymous said...

My God !!!! You must ask God to forgive you ..