Tuesday, July 29, 2008

California Invokes God's Wrath

As I was walking back to the office from my lunch break moments ago, I witnessed firsthand God's righteous wrath. God struck Southern California with a magnitude 5.8 earthquake, and it is painfully obvious that He did so because of California's recent legalization of gay marriage.

Unfortunately for God, there are not yet any reports of queer-deaths. It seems that He may have missed, or only have given us a "warning," which means that He will likely strike again with even greater vengeance.

Attention all queer-hating, Abrahamic-religion-believers: What should I as an atheist do now to protect myself from future earthquake-assaults from God almighty? And has God given you any revelations or hints as to when and where he will hit us next for our gay-marriage-allowing ways? Please, please provide a response to these questions in the comments section below. Do it for your fellow human beings that they might be saved from future earthquake-wrath attacks from omnibenevolent God!

12 comments:

Parker Thomas said...

Goat sacrifice...it's the only way.

Aaron Kinney said...

How about a kid? Does that count?

Intergalactic Hussy said...

Funny, god must love me because I experienced it intensely from the 11th floor but my coworkers and I are all ok...except the falling framed poster in my boss's office. So was god punishing my christian boss, but not me? Sweet!

Parker Thomas said...

Aaron Kinney said...

How about a kid? Does that count?


How very p(h)unny

slut said...

God already hit California once, didn't you know - the wildfires! Widely attributed to his divine wrath up here in redneck country. He completely missed the fags and the Supreme Court justices last time, too.

Pretty impotent little bugger.

breakerslion said...

I'm interested in the mechanics. I mean, is the whole thing about plate tectonics just damned lies of the Debbul? Or, does God save it up like a carefully timed ejaculation to make a point? Does God use a giant finger to poke the world, or does Satan break a prodigious fart over the Lake of Fire? Details people! You make this shit up, you think it through!

Anonymous said...

Well, if god uses massive natural disasters to 'punish' his people than why is is that all the other people in other religions (Islam, Buddhism, ect.) have not been all wiped out?

Why is it that your "GOD" Hasn't made contact in TWO THOUSAND YEARS? Why is it that the bible Depicts two gods instead of one? What I mean here is that In the old testament God was a badass god who smote his enemies and didnt put up with anything suddently becomes hippie god who loves everyone in the new testament???

Anonymous said...

Religion is a tool for those in power to control the masses. To put fear in peoples minds that if they do wrong the will BURN IN HELL! Christianity is particularly sick: Church members create vacation bible school so they can brain wash helpless children with their own ideas. You see I was a Christian for a bout 12 years of my life, until i started to see errors, contradictions and other things that put 'god' in question.

I Have a few questions for any Christians reading this:

1.Why does god inflict babies with mental illnesses? Don't tell me that their parents sin caused it? I thought that they are responsible for their own sin? Not their unborn children.

2. Jesus being born from a virgin mother isn't that special.Theres this new thing: Artificial Insemination!

3. When there was the Great flood that covered the earth, how did god fit the 50 billion species into the mile long boat? It plus how did animals such as north American-native animals cross the oceans in pairs to get to the boat?

Anonymous said...

Love your blog and your satirical writing! You don't post often enough! I know life is busy!

wade419 said...

@ anonymous: (assuming both posts from Aug 3rd are the same person)

Well, if god uses massive natural disasters to 'punish' his people than why is is that all the other people in other religions (Islam, Buddhism, ect.) have not been all wiped out?

First, it doesn't sit right with me that God uses natural disasters only like that. Also, why would God wipe out those of other religions if the greatest commandments (according to Jesus) deal with love, including those around us - even our "enemies", which it sounds like you are painting anyone of a different religion as an enemy to Christianity. Sorry, I don't see it that way. We're supposed to love everybody, no matter *anything*.

Your next question leads into what may seem like contradictions when God shows His wrath:

Why is it that your "GOD" Hasn't made contact in TWO THOUSAND YEARS? Why is it that the bible Depicts two gods instead of one? What I mean here is that In the old testament God was a badass god who smote his enemies and didnt put up with anything suddently becomes hippie god who loves everyone in the new testament???

Sometimes it does feel like God is showing different sides, or even different personalities in the Old vs New Testament. For me, these are just different aspects of God, and they are always there. The stories just seem to highlight different parts in the different sections.

Also, I like to think of it as an analogy for how parenthood usually goes: when the child is young, the parent must lay out the rules very specifically, and even punish sometimes so that the child can learn. As the child matures, the parents generally tend to pull off from the direct rule stating and punishment, in favor of a more "teaching through wisdom and inference" style, if that makes sense. The child can understand analogies and more subtle explanations than before, and so they tend to be more effective. If you think of the parent as God, and the child as a developing humanity, you can start to see that maybe the teacher's character doesn't change, but the way that it is represented does. Different styles for different times, but the same overall message - and the same God.

Oh, and about why God hasn't made contact? I feel He has, and does, continually. We've just got to listen, and not necessarily expect God to do everything as we expect. Sometimes God will speak to me through music, the beauty of things, or even by thoughts that seem to pop into my head.

Religion is a tool for those in power to control the masses. To put fear in peoples minds that if they do wrong the will BURN IN HELL! Christianity is particularly sick: Church members create vacation bible school so they can brain wash helpless children with their own ideas.

Sounds like you've had some bad experiences with Christianity - I'm sorry for that. Even the best tools can be used for bad things sometimes, and Christians are no less flawed than anyone else. Everybody at one point or another screws up the perfect things and ideas that God gives us. But that reflects on humanity, not God. (which, incidentally is why what *I* say is not necessarily right, either)

1.Why does god inflict babies with mental illnesses? Don't tell me that their parents sin caused it? I thought that they are responsible for their own sin? Not their unborn children.

Ah, why *is* there suffering? Good question, we'll never be able to answer it on our own. It may sound like something of a cop-out, but the best way I can think of it is that God has different reasoning than we do. He's outside of time, for goodness sakes - we can't even comprehend that concept. He's got a plan, and it's not something our little minds are gonna understand. Simple as that.

For an attempt at regular rationalization, though, I think of it as an engineering problem (I'm an engineer, so sue me). God's got this universe that He's created, and He's also got a lot of requirements for it. In order to make the universe in the best way, He's got to figure out how to balance each of the variables involved, while still meeting His requirements of a perfect universe.

Some requirements could include: laws of physics/nature, life in various forms, humanity in His image, free will for humanity, love, etc.

Now, if God includes the ability to choose things, then there has to be an ability to love as well as an ability to...not. I think of that as the capacity for bad things - evil, if you will. Otherwise, humanity would be robots, and that breaks His self-imposed requirements.

So now God has to teach us how to avoid these bad things, and so suffering falls in part in that category. The problem is, it's kinda hard to say that suffering has to be a cause and effect kind of thing (when you sin, then God punishes you), because, remember, God's logic works on a higher level than ours. So any instance of suffering is going to have more implications than we can see.

To bring it back to mental illnesses, it's not really fair to say that the illness is a function of the baby's (potential) sin, or the parents', or even necessarily sin at all. God's logic is different, and spans more than we can comprehend. Besides, I've also seen mental illnesses be a blessing to those that have it (ex, different ways of thinking), and to those around them. Granted, that doesn't apply to all mental afflictions, but it's just an observation.

And as a final thought, I know that it's hard to reconcile this with the fact that God is omnipotent, and can do anything. Why can't God make a universe that fits all of His requirements and doesn't include suffering? But that's just another "unliftable boulder" line of thinking, and it seems like that's something we're not really able to wrap our heads around.

Jesus being born from a virgin mother isn't that special.Theres this new thing: Artificial Insemination!

Ok, I'm pretty sure they didn't have artifical insemination developed back then, and I'm willing to bet God did it without a needle and a guy to give his sperm. And for free, too! I'm not really sure how this question applies as a contradiction in Christianity.

When there was the Great flood that covered the earth, how did god fit the 50 billion species into the mile long boat? It plus how did animals such as north American-native animals cross the oceans in pairs to get to the boat?

Well, when you consider that most of the species on Earth are insects, they wouldn't take up much room. And you don't really have to worry about the aquatic species, which include some of the biggest species. For what's left at that time period, that doesn't seem *too* implausible. Oh, and don't forget that God can do anything. How do you fit a satisfying meal for 5000 in a basket consisting of a few loaves and fishes? I dunno, but God did it.

For more thoughts about the New vs Old testament God, check out http://www.gotquestions.org/God-different.html

For more thoughts about suffering, check out http://www.carm.org/evidence/suffering.htm

That's not to say that those sites have perfect info - there's some parts of both that I'm not sure about myself. The best resource is the Bible, and there's some good references in both of those sites.

~Wade

Dani' El said...

The judgment of San Francisco and LA in prophecy.

http://thejudgmentofsanfranciscoluke17.blogspot.com/2009/03/judgment-of-san-francisco-and-la-luke.html

Anonymous said...

I believe that to and now the superstore coming for 40 days like noahs ark for all there sin and evil ways