Friday, June 01, 2007

Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

This is why waiting until marriage before sex sucks. From TheOnion.com:

"I'm so glad we waited until we got married—it made it so much more special," said the 26-year-old Linda, who is "pretty sure" John's penis penetrated her vaginal opening during the brief, fumbling lovemaking session. "I can't imagine what a letdown our first sexual experience would have been if we'd done it at some point during our five years of dating."

...

After an estimated 45 minutes spent in prayer and devotionals to ensure the smoothest possible act of coitus, John made sure the windows and doors were all securely locked, and that all windowshades and blinds were closed. He then reached to his nightstand to turn out the lights "to contribute to the feeling of romance" and "because Linda refused to let me touch her nightgown until the room was completely dark."


It only gets funnier (and possibly more pathetic). You gotta go read the whole thing.

14 comments:

Sacred Slut said...

Hilarious. Now for the true story, go here. Remarkably similar in many ways.

Paul C. Quillman said...

Sacred Slut
Did you even bother to read page 2?

Aaron Kinney said...

I dunno about Sacred Slut, Paul, but I for one read both pages of the link she provided.

So what of page 2 anyway?

Here's a few snips of what I see on page 2:

We did keep trying—a few times every week. I never wanted to; I was so reluctant and uncomfortable that sex was utterly unenjoyable for me...And I wasn't that great of an actress; I'm sure he sensed my lack of enthusiasm. I know he felt rejected and utterly disappointed...

Bitterness started between us...

Worse, all the things I'd been told that sex would be if it was reserved for marriage seemed a lie—one enormous lie, a curse even. I'd obeyed all I'd been taught and not had sex before I married with the promise that God would honor my obedience. Instead, sex was the single source of heartache for my husband and me. This was not honor or blessing or a gift. I'd been looking for someone to blame, to lash out at; finally I found him...

I can't tell you how many nights I sobbed on the bathroom floor. I cried my body weight in tears on a regular basis. Sometimes I cried so hard I nearly vomited. I begged God for a miracle, a remedy, some solution. Again and again I begged for help...

I began to see the God whom I didn't really know, though I'd been a Christian almost my entire life. God wasn't purposely ignoring me; he wasn't distant when all I heard was silence. I'd just been looking for a character of his that wasn't real or right—God as Fixer or Rewards-Giver or Crutch...


Wow, Paul! What a fucking turnaround on page 2! Yea right!

So eventually, after lots of vomiting and crying and cursing God, she finally gets to a point where she WANTS to initiate sex, and finally enjoys it.

Then she realizes that she had stopped taking the pill for a few days and concludes that the pill was causing her aversion to sex. Well Ive never heard of a pill decreasing a womans sex drive, but oh well we can believe this for now.

Then this woman, after expressing exasperation over the thousands she spent on therapy, the anger she felt towards God, the dissapointment in her marriage, and the feeling of being LIED to by everyone throughout her entire life, she realizes that "whoops! the pill was making me not like sex!" yet she then turns around and claims that she grew spiritually despite finding simple material cause of her anguish.

And she closes off page 2 with this:

My husband and I still have many years ahead, and I expect there will be more trials. There's something bittersweet about this. The bitter, of course, is obvious. The sweet is subtler. It is how coming through to the other side flavors my marriage. It is looking at my husband as I've never seen him before and feeling a greater appreciation for who he is and who I am; it is knowing we're battered and bruised, but we can stand up and brush ourselves off and say, "We made it."

Wow. What a shitty ending! Talk about a marriage that got off on the wrong foot.

If this couple didn't spend their entire courting and engagement playing the "good little virgins" role, they probably wouldnt have gone through all this drama, crying, vomiting, and cursing Gods name. They probably also would have saved thousands in therapy.

Prayers didnt solve her problem. And religion created her problem. It was her accidental forgetting to take a pill that was the solution to the very problem that her faithfulness created.

So the lesson in that article is "fuck before you marry!"

beepbeepitsme said...

RE: "Well Ive never heard of a pill decreasing a womans sex drive, but oh well we can believe this for now."

Some women claim that the pill causes a lack of libido. I always found that taking the pill increased mine. (No worry about unwanted pregnancy.)

RE: So the lesson in that article is "fuck before you marry!"

If people want to remain virgins before they marry, it doesn't bother me. But I think they should realize that abstinence does not appear to be an effective form of contraception as too many would be abtainers - fall off the wagon, so to speak..

And when they fall off the wagon, not many of them have seriously considered a contraception back-up plan.

Paul C. Quillman said...

Aaron,
How many couples do you know, married or not, that had the hollywood movie sexual experience their first few times? Of those that have shared such infor with me, I know none. It takes a while to get it right. Some couples it does take years.

The fact that she swollowed the birth control pill Kool-Aid is not a suprise. I know a great number of kids who were concieved while parents used either the pill or condoms.

Shitty ending? Hardly. She seems to be pretty excited that they made it through an admittedly difficult season, and now are past it, with years of great sex to come. (Take that however you want to, I know you thought it.)

Lets say they had sex before they were married. They probably would have had the same problems, and run the risk of breaking it off before they got married. What would they have missed? The strengthening that suffering brings. You know, that whole "No Pain, No Gain" thing. Based solely on the information provided in the article, they seem pretty happy now that they are on the other side of it. Sure, it hurt, sometimnes badly, but are they not stronger now? Have they learned a few things that will contribute to a healthy marriage?

Beepbeepitsme
From experience, I can verify that abstainence does work, you don't get pregnentif you don't have sex. My wife and I waited until we were married. Amazingly, she did not get pregnent until we were married.

BTW Aaron, glad that the comments are opened up again. I hate that you had to moderate them for a while, and hope that the anonymous poster would have the guts to sign their name in the future.

Paul C. Quillman

Krystalline Apostate said...

quillman:
From experience, I can verify that abstainence does work, you don't get pregnentif you don't have sex.
Then you were in the 12% success margin.
Abstinence usually fails, but not always.

olly said...

"Lets say they had sex before they were married. They probably would have had the same problems, and run the risk of breaking it off before they got married. What would they have missed? The strengthening that suffering brings. You know, that whole "No Pain, No Gain" thing. Based solely on the information provided in the article, they seem pretty happy now that they are on the other side of it. Sure, it hurt, sometimnes badly, but are they not stronger now? Have they learned a few things that will contribute to a healthy marriage?"

You really don't get it do you? Marriage is about struggle, believe me my wife and I could attest to this -- but it's also a recognition of compatibility. I feel the same way about folks who don't cohabitate, or folks who don't have sex, or folks who only know each other a few months and then get married:

You are setting yourself up for failure. I'd prefer that people DID break it off before they got married ... if they had all those problems, and they were enough to keep them from getting married, good for them! Glad to see people recognize it up front, rather than go through a messy divorce later.

Of course part of marriage is taking the good with the bad, but fundamentally, if you aren't sexually compatible people, your marriage will end up strained in the end.

Or, you will end up like best friend/roommates, in which case, why bother being in a relationship? For those that somehow think that all marriages end up devoid of sexuality in the end anyway (the whole "you end up as just friends eventually anyway" bullshit), you don't understand what sexuality is, and you aren't open enough to ever get it.

How is this couple going to feel in 5 years when the woman finds that more and more she's interested in trying new things, bondage, dirty talk, fellatio, whatever ... and the guy isn't interested, and thinks that's wrong?

You end up with problems. You end up with unhappiness. And ultimately, you end up with cheating and divorce.

Christianity has so repressed human sexuality into this one act of missionary position style sex that people are bound to end up unhappy, because most people have a sex drive that far exceeds being put into that box.

Sorry to say it, but one of the secrets to a happy, healthy marriage are that both partners are sexually satiated, whatever that entails -- are there things that one may want to do that the other isn't comfortable with? Sure, but you at least need to talk about those things. My wife knows that she could come to me with literally anything that she'd like to try sexually, and I'll at least be open enough to talk with her about it, even if I'm not comfortable with it personally.

The two things that most couples fight about, more than anything else, are sex and money. For those that fight about sex, usually all it would take is some frank open conversation to solve a lot of problems.

By keeping sex to 'after marriage', you force people to go blindly into a marriage, when marriage is supposed to entail opening yourself up to someone as completely as you are capable of. Sex before marriage is a way to get to know someone, and be comfortable with them, MUCH more effectively than any pre-marital counseling session.

-olly

Aaron Kinney said...

Hey Olly, congrats on the little one!!! :D

Sacred Slut said...

Amen, Olly. That was pretty much my feeling on the subject. Sex is important which is exactly why you should determine before committing to marriage whether you're sexually compatible.

I did read the whole thing. My take was pretty much consistent with Aaron's.

IMO, it's the guys out there with 4" dicks who want women to save themselves for marriage.

olly said...

"Hey Olly, congrats on the little one!!! :D"

Thanks Aaron, she's a handful, but I'm loving being a parent! :)

-olly

Aaron Kinney said...

SacredSlut for the win!

And why do I have a feeling that Olly's kid will turn out way better than the average Christian child?

olly said...

@Aaron: "And why do I have a feeling that Olly's kid will turn out way better than the average Christian child?" Oh, don't worry, I'll make sure I screw her up in other ways -- just not religious ones ;)

@SacredSlut: As a guy with a 4 inch dick I object to that!!!!! ;) But I think you make a good point ... the whole 'saving yourself for marriage' crap is, in the end, just one more extension of Biblical misogyny at it's worst... after all, what better way to control women then to repress them sexually???

-olly

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